Monday, December 14, 2009

The Journey

Somehow, I couldn't figure out before today, how to follow one of my followers. Someone I have known for years, but have not been very close to. Someone I share a bond with, but never really knew that much about. And to be honest, someone I have always kind of admired. I should be working right now, I will admit, but instead, I have been reading about the past year of her life. And the more I read, the more I come to respect this person, and find that we have so much more in common than I could ever know.

The first thing I noticed is that she is an amazing writer. The more I read, the more I felt inspired to write. The more I read, the more I reached back into my past and started thinking of that time 4.5 years ago, when as I was ending a realtionship and giving back a ring and starting my journey to find myself, she was just finding happiness with someone. Someone who was probably supposed to be forever, but alas did not work out. And now reading about her experience with that happiness coming to an end earlier this year, and her journey to find herself again, I cry. But the funny part is, the entire time she is speaking of the sadness, pain, and loneliness that come with the end of a long-term commitment to someone else, I do not cry. I remember the pain, but do not cry. The tears come when I read of her new butterflies for someone else.

I am not sure why this is the release point. Is it because as I am reading over the one, two, three months it takes her to start getting to a place where she can get through the day, the emotions are slowly building inside of me? And when I finally see that she has found happiness again, or thinks she might have, I am overwhelmed with joy for her? I have no idea. Maybe it's the hormones from my contraceptive.

I always feel the need to take her under my wing. Which is funny because we don't talk often, or really even hang out together for that matter. Group social gatherings are what have brought us together in the past, and she is usually one of my favorites, but now that she is no longer part of that group, and to be honest, neither am I, I do not see her or know much beyond what I read on facebook. But I always want to take her under my wing. Tell her that I too experienced the pain of losing someone I thought would be forever, and made it through the rough journey of finding myself without him. Part of that journey consisted of spending a lot of money, drinking a lot of booze and eating terribly delicious food late at night, and surrounding myself with other people that had those similar interests.

It also consisted of throwing myself into someone who should have never been more than a friend and making myself look pathetic and vulnerable in doing so. I became someone I didn't even recognize. The true emo side of me really came out there for a while. And through that rejection I ended up giving someone else a chance who didn't deserve a moment of my time, let alone 6 months...twice. Yikes. Of course there were a number of "victims" along my journey that I tried to let down easily, but never really succeeded in doing so. That really takes a toll on you mentally.

But all in all, I think the person I ended up finding is somewhat well-adjusted, determined, and hopeful. So I have to say that the journey was worth it. The so-called "end" has justified the means. Only being a little over a quarter of the way through my life, I know that it is nowhere near the end, but I am coming to a place that I have been working toward all this time. A place I never thought I would find again. And it's better than I could have ever imagined.

I think about how things are now, and I can't believe I almost settled for so much less. Not that the person was so much less, but the experience, the relationship, the love, was SO much less. There was less respect for each other and the relationship itself. There was less maturity in both of us, and I think we may have never grown from that if we had stayed together. I would be 2.5 years into a marriage, extremely unhappy, and probably nowhere near where I am in my career today. Instead, I have another degree under my belt and a love so different and so much better than anything I have ever known before.

So all I can say is, as hard as it was and as much as it hurt sometimes, the journey was definitely worth it. I can't wait for what's in store...

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