Monday, December 14, 2009

The Journey

Somehow, I couldn't figure out before today, how to follow one of my followers. Someone I have known for years, but have not been very close to. Someone I share a bond with, but never really knew that much about. And to be honest, someone I have always kind of admired. I should be working right now, I will admit, but instead, I have been reading about the past year of her life. And the more I read, the more I come to respect this person, and find that we have so much more in common than I could ever know.

The first thing I noticed is that she is an amazing writer. The more I read, the more I felt inspired to write. The more I read, the more I reached back into my past and started thinking of that time 4.5 years ago, when as I was ending a realtionship and giving back a ring and starting my journey to find myself, she was just finding happiness with someone. Someone who was probably supposed to be forever, but alas did not work out. And now reading about her experience with that happiness coming to an end earlier this year, and her journey to find herself again, I cry. But the funny part is, the entire time she is speaking of the sadness, pain, and loneliness that come with the end of a long-term commitment to someone else, I do not cry. I remember the pain, but do not cry. The tears come when I read of her new butterflies for someone else.

I am not sure why this is the release point. Is it because as I am reading over the one, two, three months it takes her to start getting to a place where she can get through the day, the emotions are slowly building inside of me? And when I finally see that she has found happiness again, or thinks she might have, I am overwhelmed with joy for her? I have no idea. Maybe it's the hormones from my contraceptive.

I always feel the need to take her under my wing. Which is funny because we don't talk often, or really even hang out together for that matter. Group social gatherings are what have brought us together in the past, and she is usually one of my favorites, but now that she is no longer part of that group, and to be honest, neither am I, I do not see her or know much beyond what I read on facebook. But I always want to take her under my wing. Tell her that I too experienced the pain of losing someone I thought would be forever, and made it through the rough journey of finding myself without him. Part of that journey consisted of spending a lot of money, drinking a lot of booze and eating terribly delicious food late at night, and surrounding myself with other people that had those similar interests.

It also consisted of throwing myself into someone who should have never been more than a friend and making myself look pathetic and vulnerable in doing so. I became someone I didn't even recognize. The true emo side of me really came out there for a while. And through that rejection I ended up giving someone else a chance who didn't deserve a moment of my time, let alone 6 months...twice. Yikes. Of course there were a number of "victims" along my journey that I tried to let down easily, but never really succeeded in doing so. That really takes a toll on you mentally.

But all in all, I think the person I ended up finding is somewhat well-adjusted, determined, and hopeful. So I have to say that the journey was worth it. The so-called "end" has justified the means. Only being a little over a quarter of the way through my life, I know that it is nowhere near the end, but I am coming to a place that I have been working toward all this time. A place I never thought I would find again. And it's better than I could have ever imagined.

I think about how things are now, and I can't believe I almost settled for so much less. Not that the person was so much less, but the experience, the relationship, the love, was SO much less. There was less respect for each other and the relationship itself. There was less maturity in both of us, and I think we may have never grown from that if we had stayed together. I would be 2.5 years into a marriage, extremely unhappy, and probably nowhere near where I am in my career today. Instead, I have another degree under my belt and a love so different and so much better than anything I have ever known before.

So all I can say is, as hard as it was and as much as it hurt sometimes, the journey was definitely worth it. I can't wait for what's in store...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Random Rambling

I understand it has been over a month since my last post, but soon, this will not be an issue. I am convinced that once I have the space to sit on my couch and blog as I watch tv, or sitting at the bar drinking my coffee on a Saturday morning that you will hear much more from me ( I know those 5 of you who follow me can't wait!). Right now my computer sits on the small table in the kitchen and I spend most of my time while at home in the bedroom. One or both of the boys are in the living room with Larry, so I reside in the bedroom.

House Update:
We are two weeks away from closing on the house. We have the initial walk thru on the 17th and the final on the 23rd. I have the blinds scheduled to be installed on the afternoon of the 23rd and we can hopefully have the couch delivered that day as well. The satellite and phone and internet are being installed on the 28th. I am taking the week of Christmas and the week after off to get settled in. I have already reserved a Uhaul for the 22nd/23rd and am trying to corral some moving help from friends. This is tough because people are working during the middle of the day in the middle of the week.

I cannot stop buying things for the house. I have refrained quite a bit, but for everything I don't buy, I find one or two things more that we actually need. I am trying to wait until we get in there and find out what we really NEED, but there is so much cool stuff out there. The closet in the office right now is quickly filling with things for the new place. It started when I found the guest bath stuff I wanted at Walmart and just bought it all in one fell swoop. Then JB pointed out that he wanted our house to smell like B&BW, so we got a few wall flowers during a sale. Then we got a brita pitcher and some filter replacements at Target for a good price. And then I found a nice analon bakeware set at costco for a good price. And then cyber Monday brought a great deal on bedding (Cal King 10pc comforter set for $89) and a 20pc knife set for $26. Then I couldn't pass up the electric wine opener for $10. It's amazing, btw. Also, I found a set of 4 stemless wine glasses at walmart for $9! Crazy. So, yeah. That's why I keep buying things. I am convinced we need a spice rack, so I am looking for one of those. I have three coupons for Bed Bath and Beyond, each for 20% off one item. These will definitely come in handy. The only other thing we NEED is bar stools. I don't know why they are so expensive, but even the cheap ones at Walmart are more than I want to pay. The dishes I found are on back order until the 15th, and I am still waiting to hear if my dad and step-mom are going to be able to get them for Christmas. Otherwise, I need to get on there and get them ordered. We'll see.

School Update:
I have a little over a month before my comprehensive exam, which is the last thing I need to complete for my masters program. The exam is on January 16th. Maybe I can find some time in my two weeks off to get some preparation done, but I highly doubt it. Yikes! The study guide is 40 pages long. My plan is to take a couple of subjects home with me at a time to prep for so I am not trying to do it all at once. I'll let you know how that goes.

Holiday Madness:
It's almost time for the Christmas Tour! I hate to sound ungrateful for having so many people in my life to share the holidays with, but it sure is a pain! Especially now that I will have the keys to my home and will probably just want to roll around on the new carpet, or sink into my new couch or something.

Every year, the Saturday before Christmas is when we get together with my mom's side of the family. We do a name drawing gift exchange with a max limit of $25. To me, it seems really silly to even do gifts with a limit like this because you can't really get someone something all that great, so are you really just wasting $25? And if you just get them a gift card, it's kind of lame. I say we scrap gifts all together and just make it what the holidays are really about, which is food and family. I think we might discuss that option for next year.

Christmas Eve, I have two options. In Vacaville, my stepmom is responsible for her entire family's well-being on Christmas Eve. She has always been the one to host the party and do the entertaining. There are lots of friends and family of her and my dad, lots of food, and lots of booze. It's usually a pretty good time. A little further away, in Antioch, my dad's side of the family gathers every year. This is the Christmas Eve I grew up looking forward to and celebrating every year as I had many cousins close to my age to play with and many aunts and uncles to spend time with. As I got older, and through my relationship with Nick, I kind of stopped going to this function. Because it is farther away and most of the cousins grew up and got married and moved away. And for some reason, whether it was all in my head or not, I felt like an outcast in that group of people. And the longer I stayed away, the harder it was to go back. Thanks to Facebook, I am able to keep current on what everyone is up to and now it doesn't seem as awkward to go hang out with this side of my family because I can actually talk with them about the things in their life that are happening. JB and I will be going this year, and I am really excited for everyone to meet him.

Christmas Day starts off with a brunch with my step-dad's family. Their name drawing gift exchange is a little too rich for my blood, as the minimum is $75. This year I will not be participating. I am not missing out on the food though. My aunt makes monkey bread. Mmmmmmm. After either a matinee movie or a nap, we will head over to JB's parents' house for dinner.

I am already exhausted just thinking about it. And I feel that way as soon as I realize that Thanksgiving is here each year. It will all be over soon and I will be snuggled up with JB in our new home and looking forward to paying our ridiculous bills every month. Can it get any better?

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