Thursday, September 17, 2009

Fake It 'til You Make It

Is there a certain point where you feel like you are actually an adult? Maybe I just started adding responsibility at such a young age that instead of feeling like I grew up too fast, I feel like I am still a kid trying to fake my way through adulthood. I feel like there is just some point that it will all of the sudden click that I am a real, live grown up. But instead I just feel like a kid. I feel so much younger than those around me, even my friends that are 23 and 24. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I started Kindergarten at 4 years old and had a birthday late in the year, so I was always younger than everyone else. Maybe that just stuck with me. It doesn't help that I work with a bunch of middle-aged or older, mostly men. And that my braces make me look 15. But even before round two of the hardware, I felt like a kid.

I am stuck at 16. I don't understand. I have had a job, non-stop, since I was 15 years old. I bought my first car at 19, my first house at 22, finished my bachelor's degree, and still felt like a kid. I balance my checkbook and pay bills, I just recently moved in with my boyfriend (first time ever for me), am finishing up my masters in less than a month, and we are buying a house. It is all very exciting and a very "grown up" thing, but for some reason, I am still trapped inside the mindset of adolescence.

I am clearly rambling and don't even know exactly what I am trying to say.

When does it change? Does it ever change? I am going to be 28 this year and the number has no effect on me because I still feel like a kid. I look at other people and their lives and even though it is not much different than mine, I see it so much differently. I don't know.

I guess I'll just keep faking it.

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