Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tropical Reflection

First off, although I don't have to apologize for anything, I still feel like I should. What kind of blogger waits a month between posts? How do I expect to gain a following if I give my hypothetical audience nothing to look forward to? Someday people will read this and will be dying to know what is going on in the life of Breezy. And they shall not be kept waiting.

I am currently in Honolulu, Hawaii doing some employee relations stuff for work. We have an acquisition office here and this is the second time in the past 8 months I have been on a company paid trip to the lovely island of Oahu. On Sunday night, while beginning to pack for this trip, I was not excited to go. I was stressed about dealing with the issues here as well as obligations I need to tend to back home, and I did not want to leave JB. He is going to a bachelor party in Tahoe this weekend and will be gone by the time I return. I will not get to see him until Sunday, if then. Sad face. All of this added up to me having a mental breakdown on Sunday evening and crying my eyes out all over JB's shirt. This, in turn, led to us having a rather serious conversation about our future together. Here is the gist of it:

I was stressed out about all the things I have going on as well as thoughts about the future and overwhelmed by the fact that none of it seems possible or even close to happening. Everything takes time, everything costs money, etc. Warning: watching Platinum Weddings when you don't have any money and are not even close to having a ring on your finger is not a great idea when you are already feeling this stress and pressure. JB was very good about handling this situation. I give him props for his investigation tactics. What started out as me telling him I am overwhelmed with school and work turned into us setting a goal for cohabitation.

Those of you that know me, and know my history (which I intend to blog about at a later date), will probably find this amazing and slightly insane. I never believed in the phrase, "When you know, you know." until I knew. And then it all made sense. Now it seems that everything just stands in the way of me being with JB, which is all I want to do. Daily activities like work, school, the gym, and life all keep me from spending time with him. Living on opposite sides of town makes it impractical to see each other more than once a week and on the weekends. It is good that we have to spend this time apart, otherwise things probably wouldn't have worked out the way they have for us. I realize this. And I also know it is completely unhealthy to not have separate lives, which is why we do. But it seems as though no matter what I am doing, I am thinking of him. I am wishing he were there with me to experience it with me. Just wanting to be in his presence because everything makes so much more sense. And blah, blah, barf. My point is, we have finally had a conversation that tells me I am not alone and that he feels the same way as I do about our relationship and our future and he is serious. The conclusion of this conversation is that somewhere toward the end of August, around our one year anniversary, we are going to start looking for a place together.

I am SO excited!!!

My point in telling you all of this is that this morning, while looking out the window of my 26th story hotel room at a Majestic view of the mountains set behind a golf course and half covered by clouds, I remembered what I was feeling 8 months ago standing in that very same spot (it was in a different room though).

8 months ago, I had recently reunited with the only person to have ever truly broken my heart. I refuse to blog about that situation anymore since I blogged it to death on myspace, but it was quite a long drawn out process that started as a wonderful and inspiring friendship. One that was, and still is, very unique. After a year and a half of not talking to him, I decided to bury the hatchet because I realized that his friendship meant more to me than my pride. It had taken me that long to heal the wounds, but I was finally ready for the reunion. It had only been two months since then when I stood and looked at this view for the first time. I was filled with emotional turmoil and confusion. I wondered if I could really handle just being friends and standing by and watching him spend his life with someone else. I had just finished reading a book he had given me, which was his favorite childhood story, that had an inscription inside the front of the book. I was still at a point where I felt I was recieving mixed messages, but not sure if he was sending them, or if I was making them up.

At the same time, this was a month after reuniting with JB in Vegas, which was really the beginning of the end (or the beginning of the beginning) for us. However, we had only sent text messages since then and had not even talked over the phone yet. I hadn't decided yet whether I was going to let him in and let things run their course, or cut him off at the pass and not let him waste his time when I was sure to eventually break his heart. He kept me company over text messages the entire time I was there by myself. I felt bad thinking that I was most likely just using him for attention when I had no one else to give it to me.

So, as I stood there this morning, once again taking in this Majestic view from my hotel room and reflecting, I was amazed at how much and how fast things changed in a short 8 months. That friend of mine is just that, a friend. Well, not "just that" because that would never suffice to describe him. He and I have a very special friendship. I cannot say that I have another friend like him. But although very dear, his is only a friend. Once I realized that was all it should and would be, that's all it was in my mind and I never turned back. People that knew what we had been through, before I cut him out of my life and during the period of healing, thought I was completely insane and there was no way we could ever just be "friends". But I am so glad that we are because he brings an element to my life, no matter how often, or sporadically I see him, that no one else ever could. And for that I am very grateful.

By reading the paragraphs above, it is obvious how much things have changed with JB. For me to go from not knowing if I wanted to pursue anything with this person, to knowing he's the one I want to spend today and all of my tomorrows with, IS completely insane. But it's also one of the best feelings in the world.

And so my friends, I can tell you from experience that time does heal all wounds. And if you continue to let love in, no matter how often it betrays you, it can do wonderous things. And blah, blah, barf.

1 comment:

cblack1 said...

I found you. Hey so glad you have a blog. It's a great way to really journal your life. Any way welcome to the blog world

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